Why I Stopped Asking ‘What Do You Do?’—A Simple Question That Fosters Real Connection

There’s a moment we’ve all experienced—that split-second hesitation when someone asks, “So, what do you do?”

It seems like a simple question, just a way to make conversation. And yet, answering it never feels quite as easy. Whether we rattle off our job title, give a vague response, or feel the urge to explain ourselves, something about this exchange feels oddly defining.

Why Does This Question Carry So Much Weight?

Psychologists Henri Tajfel and John Turner’s Social Identity Theory offers one explanation: we often define ourselves by the groups we belong to—our profession, nationality, hobbies, or communities. Our job title becomes a kind of social label, shaping not just how others see us, but how we see ourselves.

No wonder it feels loaded. It’s not just about work—it’s about identity. Yet job titles only scratch the surface of who we are. If we truly want to know someone—and help them feel seen—maybe we should start asking different questions altogether.

Try Asking This Instead:

"What is a compliment that really moved you?"

This question opens a door into self-reflection, into memories, into relationships. It’s a personal but approachable way to explore what truly matters to someone. Compliments tell us something about our values, about how we want to be seen, and about what words linger with us long after they’re spoken.

Answering personal questions can feel vulnerable. That’s why, when I ask someone this, I sometimes share my own answer first—to take the weight off and create a safe space for reflection.

That’s what I am going to do now, too, and then it is your turn! 😊

I’ve noticed that I tend to answer this question the same way every time. And so far, no other compliment has replaced it.

A Real-Life Example: My Nicest Compliment

I remember that moment so vividly: It was my last day at work, and I was standing on the rooftop terrace during my farewell drinks with a senior colleague. A warm breeze passed through the open space, carrying the distant sounds of the city below. A sense of freedom and anticipation filled the air—I was about to embark on a solo trip through Southeast Asia, feeling nervous and excited at the same time.

I expected the usual farewell pleasantries, but instead, he looked at me with quiet sincerity and said:

"Whenever I saw your name as the psychologist in charge of a case, I immediately felt at ease, knowing that person was in good hands."

That moment has stayed with me ever since, it was one of the kindest things anyone has ever said to me.

Why Did It Matter So Much?

Because it acknowledged something deeper than my qualifications. It wasn’t just about my skills. It was about the trust and reassurance I was able to create, something I hadn’t fully realized others saw in me. Hearing that from someone I deeply respected made it even more meaningful.

Thus, maybe it also mattered who said it. This was a colleague with decades of experience, someone whose calmness and wisdom I admired. His words carried weight because I trusted his judgment.

Perhaps the timing made it even more special. I was about to step into something new, into the unknown, and these words felt like an invisible blessing for the road ahead.

A great compliment stays with us not just because of what it says, but because of what it reveals—about our values, our impact, and the way others see us, often more clearly than we see ourselves.

“One kind word can warm three winter months.” — Japanese Proverb

Struggling to Answer? That’s Okay.

Since I have asked this question many times and in various settings, I’ve noticed that for some, it can feel uncomfortable or difficult to answer. If that includes you, know that that’s alright.

Take your time. There’s no rush.

If you’d like, give yourself space to reflect. Maybe a walk in nature, listening to music, or journaling might help. Think of moments when you’ve felt truly at ease. Think of the people you admire or those who are closest to you. Can you remember a recent compliment? What was it? Who gave it to you, and why? What did they see in you that made them say it?

If you can’t remember the last time you received a compliment, pause and acknowledge that. What does that realization stir in you?

And then, gently, consider this: compliments don’t always come in words.

Sometimes, they show up in small gestures, someone seeking your advice, trusting you with something important, or simply wanting to be around you. Sometimes, they’re hidden in a smile, in a thank-you, in the way someone’s eyes light up when they see you.

You already make an impact on those around you, even if you don’t always hear it in words.

So if this question feels difficult right now, that’s okay. Let it sit with you. And perhaps, in time, an answer will come when you least expect it.

Your Turn: A Little Experiment

• Ask Someone: The next time you meet a friend, colleague, or even a new acquaintance, skip the usual “What do you do?”. Instead, ask about a compliment they’ve received that made them feel seen.
• Listen Deeply: Pay attention not just to the words, but to how they light up. Notice the values and stories embedded in their answer.
• Share Your Own: If they seem hesitant, lead by example. Opening up first often puts others at ease, turning a simple conversation into a memorable, bonding experience.

A Call to Action

I invite you to try this in the next 24 hours. Ask someone about a meaningful compliment they’ve received, and see what unfolds. You might be surprised how quickly you move past small talk and reach a realm of genuine connection.

And the next time you consider introducing yourself, remember: you are so much more than what you do—and so is everyone else. By asking deeper questions, we learn to appreciate the whole person, not just the job title.

Thanks for reading! ❤